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INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST MOVIE SEQUELS By Rob Weske FADE UP: Malibu, California: 1990
George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are lunching at Harrison Ford’s beachfront estate. Ford is poolside, laying on a blanket, receiving physical therapy and acupuncture. A needle is inserted into his upper back. FORD ( TO THE ACCUPUNCTURIST ): OW! Damn it, that hurt! He winces and looks at the two most powerful directors in Hollywood. FORD: Can’t you idiots write a scene where Indy falls into a giant Jello pit? You guys have a death wish for your actors. SPIELBERG: I told you not to do your own stunts. What was it about the tank gag in “Last Crusade” did you think was NOT gonna hurt? Look, that’s what stuntmen are paid for. THEY get thrown off the tank. Did I make Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw swim with a real Great White? Hell no! LUCAS: Show some backbone. Look, I’ve already got the next Indiana Jones movie, and there are no running tank battles. This one has Russians, a mysterious Crystal Skull, and aliens! Flying Saucers! It’s non-stop action! ( long pause ) SPIELBERG: I’ve already done it. ET. Does that ring a bell, George? LUCAS: Yeah, but E.T. only had some bratty kid and that wholesome little girl Drew Barrymore. He didn’t have Indiana Jones stealing Crystal Skulls, cracking whips, attacking Russian KGB agents, and getting thrown from interplanetary space vehicles! FORD: Waitaminute? Space Aliens? I’m this generation’s Carey Grant. I’m not sharing scenes with little green men. Not again. LUCAS: Fine. I’ll get Tom Cruise. SPIELBERG: George, the force clearly isn’t with you. Tom Cruise is too…normal. He’s the boy next door! He’s not perceived as a science fiction worshipping freak! America won’t buy it! FORD: I’m not jumping off a space ship again, George. Call Mark Hamill. I’m big time now. LUCAS: Fine! I’ll do it without you. Ever heard of CGI? The movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” was filled with it! FORD: Bunnies? LUCAS: You must have hit your head, Harrison. No, numb nuts! Character generated effects. All done by a bunch of nerds that I convinced to drop out of Cal Arts and locked into a dark room with a bunch of computers. That’s where I’m making movies now: on the hard drive of a computer. We can just scan you head to toe, and I can animate it to do whatever I want. Directors won’t need actors anymore! And as I’ll prove by doing three “pre-quels” to my Star Wars franchise, I won’t need cohesive scripts, either! A long pause follows. FORD: Did you say…no actors? SPIELBERG: George…that’s preposterous! It’s like…cloning dinosaurs for a theme park! FORD: I’m in! I’m in! Do I get to use a light saber in this one? LUCAS: Shut up until you’re spoken to! Anyway, I almost have the script ready. SPIELBERG: Great! What’s the plot? Is there character development? LUCAS: Minor details we’re still, uh, working out. We’ve got a motorcycle chase, a sword fight between two speeding cars in the Amazon, killer ants… and aliens! Flying Saucers! SPIELBERG: Okay, George. Why don’t you get back to your nerd cave and do your Star Wars stuff on the computer, and whatever alien effects you have left over, we’ll apply it to the next Indy movie, okay? That should take you a decade or so. LUCAS: We’re about to take Indiana Jones to a new level…. Into the greatest mystery of all time! The mystery of the stars! FORD: Beam me up, Scotty! See, I’ve rehearsed dialogue before it’s even been written! SPIELBERG: ( TO THE ACCUPUNCTURIST ) Put some of those needles directly into his brain. *** Yes, that scenario is probably better fiction than the one playing at Cleveland area movie plexes this summer. The fourth Indiana Jones installment does indeed contain crystal skulls, flying saucers, and a nearly catatonic Harrison Ford. While critics have not been kind, the turnstiles are still turning Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford’s estates into a growing Temple Of Gold. But why did it take so long? Industry rumor mills were churning overtime over why the fourth installment in the iconic film series was mired in developmental limbo for eighteen years. Well, My 43.Net may have found the reasons: how do you top searching for the lost Ark Of The Covenant, Magic Stones that return a village’s children, to the crusade for the Holy Grail…how do you top those adventures? My 43.Net has found the script pitches for the Indy sequels that were never made.
INDIANA JONES AND THE EUCLID CORRIDOR Indy must find the legendary “House Of Blues” in downtown Cleveland by traversing the pitfalls and dangers of the labyrinthine Euclid Corridor project. From searching for hidden walkways, to using his whip to swing through angry commuters on Ninth Street, Indy risks all in a climax more thrilling than the desert chase sequence in “Lost Ark”: he’s chased by shovel wielding union construction workers after telling them to “get back to work” during their third coffee break. One frightening scene included Indy’s sidekick from “The Temple Of Doom”, Short Round, getting hit by a Lexus in the Theater District.
SHOOTERS FROM BEYOND THE ARC Called in by concerned city leaders after the Cleveland Cavaliers shoot a miserable 31% from outside the three point line in the playoffs, Indy must get LeBron, Boobie, Wally and company motivated to practice over the summer. This script was rejected due to a provocative and racially charged scene involving Indy’s bullwhip.
INDIANA JONES AND THE FLATS CRUSADE Indiana Jones gets a rare “boys night out” with several other professors from the college. After striking out in the warehouse district, the boys hit the flats, where Indy fights his way through an angry mob hovering around slow bartenders for a magical drink that will make middle aged boat skanks look like nubile young hotties. The highlight of this script was an extended set piece battle with a mammoth bouncer at Shooters.
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM 2 Indy watches the Cleveland Indians blow a three game to two lead in the ALCS, but this script was rejected because there is just no way this could ever, ever happen. Ever.
INDIANA JONES AND THE QUEST FOR SPRING Indy gets his hopes up after three seventy degree days in April. Suddenly the entire month of May looks like November. Hoping that wind chill will not be a factor for his Memorial weekend cookout, Jones tries to kidnap Dick Goddard to hold him accountable. Once in his custody, Jones makes a startling realization: while Sean Connery was Indy’s father in “The Last Crusade”, in this adventure Goddard reveals that he actually PARTICIPATED in the Crusades. A chilling scene on par with the snake pit escape in “Lost Ark” finds Indy covered with wooly bears.
INDIANA JONES AND THE CURSE OF THE SUV Indy is trapped in a bad two year lease with a gas guzzling SUV. After several knock down drag out battles with shady car dealers ( not from our friends at Chevy, naturally ), Indy is forced to commute to work on Cleveland’s public transportation. In an action sequence as thrilling as the coal mine gunfight, Indy must survive a gang initiation ceremony and several drunks on the RTA train.
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It is shortly after the release of the third Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.
